[ Saturday, August 02, 2003 ]
Day 156 to Day 160
Haiku, stilted in
English - mmmm, Yoda - sound like
Fake Asian talk
As promised, here are the results of the Homeland Drifter "Haiku Current Events" Contest. There were 12 contestants who entered a total of 27 haikus, one Rumi quote, and one double dactyl.
Most of the entries were either Iraq-related or addressed the CIA's discredited terror-market speculation scheme. To my surprise, there were no entries on the topics of either the passing of Bob Hope, or the Kobe Bryant affair. I took it upon myself, therefore, to make these contributions:
Great White Bob Hope
USO show
In sky - goodbye
Kobe
Uh, oh - big big no-no
Nike pissed
In any event, the judging proceeded with the benefit of a few cans of Tecate, well, 5 or 6 cans of Tecate. Each haiku was judged with reference to these factors:
(a) The extent to which it adhered to the from of a haiku.
(b) The extent to which it contained a "marginally recognizable reference to a current newsworthy event," per the original contest rules.
(c) And, least importantly, whether the haiku contained a reference to a season, in recognition of the author's awareness of the traditional Japanese form. A seasonal reference was not a strict requirement, however.
No Homeland Drifter staff were bribed or otherwise influenced in the judging process. There were awarded a First Place, First Runner-Up, Second Runner-Up, and numerous honorable mentions. However, the somber matter of certain disqualifications will be addressed, initially.
Disqualifications: The reason for each disqualification appears after the haiku. The identities of each author of a disqualified entry have been withheld, in order to not unduly expose them to humiliation or embarrassment.
I am extremely busy.
So damn busy I don't mind a bit
that you're not visit
ing
ReFREAK
Revolutionary Front for the REwork of American
Kulture!
Hey, haikuist, you!
Sev-en-teen-syll-ab-les, eh?
Read instructions first
where are you?
come visit
us.
Another haiku on the topic of the Homeland Drifter itinerary. This is a sweet sentiment (and Homeland Drifter would, in fact, love to visit you), but this haiku does not contain a "marginally recognizable reference to a current newsworthy event."
if bush were a pig
i'd poke his whack evil eye
george, this is no lie
Similarly, although President Bush is obviously a public figure, and is himself involved in many newsworthy events, both domestically and abroad, this ad hominem attack does not qualify as referencing a newsworthy event.
enough haiku poo
poetry is for faggots
and pinko bike freaks
Hmmmm. This also, while clearly in haiku form, consists more of ad hominem than newsworthy information.
Plinkety plunkety
George-fucking-doubleya
Fessing right up to his
Treason and lies
Meanwhile a spectacle
Gubernatorial
Is that where the nation's
Diverting its eyes?
The above submission is, as its author acknowledges, a "double dactyl", whose form is thus: Every line is a double dactyl, the first line is nonsense couplet, the second line is a person's name, the second line of the second stanza has to be one word only, and the fourth and eighth lines rhyme. This is a pretty good double dactyl, but it's not a double dactyl contest. Sorry.
Honorable Mentions: These are the many respectable entries which met, more or less, the guidelines of the contest. They are listed in no particular order. Congratulations honorable mention recipients!
Bill B. (Durango, CO):
CIA bet pool
Wagering murder and death
Terror, market - same
Emma B. (SF):
Sacramento night
Slowly raising house of cards
Arts funding slashed
Karen N. (SF)
Too much free time? See
democracycaravan
dot org, homelander.
Chris L. (Los Angeles):
the world is safe
the president is on
one month vacation
Jennifer D. (NYC): Jennifer's fine submission, although self-referential, relates to the newsworthy event of her publication in this month's issue of Glamour magazine.
media whore. whore!
rhymes with gla-mour! whore whore whore!
page one eighty nine.
Eric W.-D. (Seattle):
condi did you know
academe spewing spin
the scapegoats twist
Robert F. (SF):
Going to the Moon --
Melancholy cicada,
No time to write home.
Matt R. (Tucson, AZ):
world continues on
with or without governments
just ride your darn bike
Floss (SF):
homelanders stand tall
our battle has just begun
the new management
and
o baby, bad dream
america what happened
w fucked us
JP (SF):
eiffel tower
emits flame
parisians sad
_______________________
Finally, the winner and two runners-up, in addition to referencing newsworthy events and adhering to a correct syllabic format, demonstrated a profound understanding of the subtlety and nuance of the haiku art. Bravo.
2nd Runner-Up: Jennifer D. (NYC): While the full pronunciation of "gov-ern-ment" would put the entire haiku over the 17-syllable limit, the syllabic content of the first line was given the benefit of the doubt due to the clever use of pig latin. Way to go, Snakepants!
| gov't self-parody: ter-or-or-ism futures Ix-nay etting-bay |  |
1st Runner-Up: Matt R. (Tucson, AZ): Another fine example of the form, includes a reference to both current world events and the philosophic/religious tradition of Haiku's country of origin, as well as a potential double entendre in the final line. Congratulations, Matt!
| "if only" if i bomb my self there'll be nothing left to bomb: thinks a buddhist bush |  |
Winner: Kraig K. (submitted from Kiyose, Japan): This brilliant example of the form contains a sly double entendre, similar to that of the 1st runner-up, but comes somewhat closer to referencing both a season and a current event. The "plum tree" and "desert soil" elements evoke a seasonal aspect, and the imagery as a whole demonstrates an advanced understanding of the form. Additionally, while the author lives in Switzerland, the haiku was actually composed while the author is currently in Japan on business. After some deliberation, and another can of Tecate, it was decided that the submission should receive extra consideration due to its geographic origin. Yes, this is my brother. No, he did not win because he's my brother. Congratulations, Kraig!
| Roots of the plum tree Tremble beneath desert soil As shrub encroaches |  |
Thanks to everyone for participating in the Homeland Drifter Haiku Contest. I hope you all have enjoyed the experience. I have, indeed. Complaints and or comments on the results can be addressed to "customerservice@homelanddrifter.com."
Durango, CO. Meanwhile, I’m still in Durango. I’ve done three terrific rides here (Log Chutes, Hoffheins Connection-Dry Fork-Colorado Trail, and the Jones-Dutch-Hermosa loop two days ago with Bill). The riding is even better than Crested Butte, in some ways. And the town of Durango itself isn’t bad.
Meanwhile, in other news, my comrade in Pennsylvania, Michael, was quoted in the NYT discussing his participation in bumplist. "Theoretically, it is possible to have a serious, sustained conversation on BumpList," said Michael Paulukonis, a technology professional [and Real Performance Artist] in Scranton, Pa., who is a BumpList member, by e-mail. "Practically speaking, I don't think it has happened - unless you consider the dialogue the resubscribers have with the medium itself." Michael, in a selfless gesture tantamount to slitting his own throat, gave me the URL a while ago. “The first rule of bumplist is . . . don’t talk about bumplist.”
Soundtrack: Devo, The Best of Devo
Reading List: Battle Angel Alita: Killing Angel, by Yukito Kishiro
The Spirit of Terrorism, by Jean Baudrillard
Website: www.democracycaravan.org
[8/2/2003]
[ Monday, July 28, 2003 ]
Day 149 to Day 155
In response to my previous request for updates on world politics and other current events, in either 10-word-or-less sounds bites or in haiku, I’ve already happily received several bits, in haiku, mostly, some of which have actually alerted me to salient issues on the global news scene.
This has inspired me to announce the first Homeland Drifter “haiku current events” contest. To enter, please submit by any means any and all haiku within the next 5 days.
The winner will receive a lifetime subscription to Homeland Drifter premium content, a case of Bad F*cker Highway®© Energy Bars®©, and my personal guarantee that compromising photos of you will never be published on this website.
There is no limit to the number of haiku you may enter, but each must contain some at least marginally recognizable reference to a current newsworthy event.
Those of you who have already sent haiku in the past several days need not re-send them. Consider yourselves entered, and feel free to enter again.
To the individual who submitted a news summary containing six derivations of the root “fuck” and a reference to the 43rd President of the United States, your submission must be re-worked into the form of a haiku in order to be submitted. Thank you.
Notably, the form of a haiku is not necessarily limited to the most common 5-7-5 form, in three lines, but encompasses other forms of 17-syllables or less. (Thanks to an alert reader in SF for this important information!)
Winners and honorable mentions will be announced here in the next update.
Poncha Springs, CO. The mother of all Colorado trails – Monarch Crest to Rainbow Trail. 35 miles of riding, 28 of those on sweet singletrack. The shuttle to Monarch Pass was the best $14 I’ve spent on my trip. The Monarch Crest portion follows the top of the continental divide, and you can see forever in all directions.
Great Sand Dunes National Monument, CO. It doesn’t look like Colorado, but it is. After riding the Crest, I came down here and camped for a few days, sat in the shade reading and recovering, and hiked to the top of the tallest dune one afternoon. The whole scene is pretty spectacular.
At the summit there’s a couple of teenage sandboarders, a German family, and an American family.
“Hi. I’m doing a special for Outdoor Life Network. It’s about the first solo RV ascent of the dunes. If you look closely, you can see my sherpas on their way up with the disassembled hulk of it. That air conditioning unit must be a bitch to hump all the way up here. By the way, where’s the coke machine?”
The other couple of thousand people in the park play in the sandy creek or at the base of the dunes next to the paved parking lot of the visitor center. I’m astounded that more people are not exploring the dunes.
As I descend the dunes, I pass the quasi-Darwinian distribution of dune-visitors. The closer to the pavement I get, the more concentrated are the hordes of pale white flesh pots, herding their hugely obese diabetic kids around in the sand, always within shouting distance of the car or camper.
I feel scorn or contempt or something akin to this for these people, and then I catch myself and feel bad for awhile about feeling elitist.
The campground is full of families. So when the sun sets over the dunes there’s no spontaneous whooping war cry heralding the arrival of the debaucherous sparkling night, like I’m used to . . . Oh, well. But there’s no silence, either. The sounds of people shouting at their kids and cursing the bugs or the sand in their food echo around my tent.
All their boys are named Dylan, Tyler, or Josh. Every little boy between the ages of 1 and 10 is named Dylan, Tyler, or Josh. People can’t even think of original names for their kids, anymore, fer chrissake.
A lot of families from Texas here, that and Colorado. Everyone’s white, as usual. A huge number of the pater familii sport t-shirts with bible verses or other Xn references. These sort shout at their wives and kids just as much as the rest, but they don’t use profanity when they do it.
The Texans drive mostly big American SUVs. Spend $35,000 on a truck, and buy all their camping gear from Wal-Mart. Again, I feel scorn or contempt or something akin to this, and then again I catch myself and feel bad about feeling elitist. Fuck.
Hooper, CO. I visit the UFO Watchtower, near the sand dunes, the site of dozens of sightings, and discuss the situation with the owner and manager, Judy. She reports that hundreds of abductees have visited the watchtower. Recently, it appears, it was even visited by elements of the Bay Area psy-trance scene. Maybe there’s more debauchery out here than I thought.
Mesa Verde National Park, CO. I pass through Durango, make plans for some trail riding with Bill, and spend a day in the park doing tours of ancestral Pueblan ruins.
The park has just reopened, after a big chunk of it burned down in the past few weeks as a result of 3 separate fires. They even had fire fighting teams from Northern California down here working on it.
The Cliff Palace tour is awesome. This area had more inhabitants 700 years ago than it does today, before a.d. 1300, at least, when they all packed up and
No, this isn’t a photo of a mountain biking accident. It’s a photo of civilian “collateral damage” in Iraq. In addition to the outrageous human cost of this war, the cost of the war to the American taxpayer is being continuously updated at www.costofwar.com.
As the lie of WMDs in Iraq (or their relevance, even if they are found someday) continues to unravel, as the lie of the African uranium continues to unravel, as the lie of the Iraq-Al Qaeda connection is debunked by the official 9/11 report a few days ago, and as all the other lies that led us into this war gradually surface, the case for impeachment goes stronger.
If we can impeach Clinton for lying about a few blowjobs, why shouldn’t we impeach Dubya for the lies that have caused the murder of at least 6,000 Iraqi civilians and hundreds of American and Iraqi soldiers? “When Clinton lied, no one died.”
Since early March, I’ve had 3 quite noticeable antiwar stickers on the back of my van. Here are the results of my informal measure of public reaction to said stickers:
Favorable: 4
Unfavorable: 2 (unconfirmed)
Notes: Of the favorable comments, 3 were received while in Crested Butte, CO, and all in one day. Odd. The 1 other was in Zion National Park, in Utah.
Of the unconfirmed unfavorable reactions, one driver in Minnesota was observed flipping off the Homeland Drifter vehicle, but it is unknown whether this was of a political nature, or the result of the Homeland Drifter vehicle’s slow driving.
The other unconfirmed reaction involved a quasi-road rage incident in Colorado, which was, regrettably, escalated by Homeland Drifter staff. No casualties or law enforcement involvement to report, thankfully. Other driver’s comment: “So you’re for peace, huh?” Other driver apologized after Homeland Drifter staff chased him down and threatened to call the Highway Patrol. It is unknown whether the other driver noticed the hunting knife protruding from the thigh pocket of the Homeland Drifter staff person.
Scientific conclusion: Americans oppose the war on Iraq by a margin of 2 to 1, or something like that.
Soundtrack:Democracy Now, via public radio
Reading List: Mountain Biking Durango, by John Peel
Website: www.yesmagazine.org
[7/28/2003]
PAY ATTENTION BLACK ROCK CITY
